_{Benoit Malige}

Do you wake up every day feeling like you're not enough?

The weight of self-doubt pressing on your chest, the anxiety gnawing at your thoughts.

You see confident people around you and wonder, "How the actual f*** they do it?".

You start your day with a pep talk in the mirror, only to realize that even your reflection looks unconvinced. You’re that person who rehearses conversations in the shower, then stumbles over your words in real life like you’re auditioning for a role as the awkward sidekick in a bad sitcom.

Meanwhile, the confident people seem to glide through life. They deliver presentations like they’re channeling Tony Robbins or something. They are making small talk at parties as if they were born with a cocktail in one hand and a witty remark in the other.

I know this feeling all too well because I lived it for 36 years.

That’s right..

For 97.3% of my life, I struggled with confidence. I felt trapped in my own insecurities.

I wasn't honest with myself about my abilities and potential, which kept me from trying new things. I avoided failure at all costs, but in doing so, I also avoided growth.

Worse yet, I saw confident people as arrogant because their self-assuredness seemed unattainable to me.

But this perception stemmed from my own insecurities.

One day, something changed. The turning point came when I decided to face my fears.

First, I tackled the physical stuff:

• I started working out regularly, which not only transformed my body but also gave my mind a much-needed kick in the pants.
• And then there were my teeth. Picture the British stereotype—yeah (clears throat) — Enough said.

My teeth were worse.

So, at 36, I got braces. Let me tell you, getting braces as an adult is like willingly strapping a medieval torture device to your face. My business meetings were hard.

But these initial steps taught me that confidence is like a muscle—it needs regular work and attention.

If you were anything like me.. I assure you, there IS a way out—a path to a life where you wake up feeling empowered and ready to take on the world.

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Misconceptions of Confidence:

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Before we get into the nuts and bolts of building confidence, let's clear up some of the biggest myths that seem to hold people back.

Misconception 1: Confidence is innate.

Picture this: you're at a party, and there's that one person who seems to radiate confidence effortlessly. So, naturally, you think, "Lucky him for having been born that way.."

But here's the truth—confidence isn't a birthright; it's built.

It's not some magical trait only a few are blessed with. It's more like a muscle, something you can develop and strengthen over time.

Growing up, I believed confidence was something you either had or didn’t. I envied those who seemed to glide through life with an unshakeable belief in themselves.

But what I didn’t see were the countless hours they spent honing their skills, the silent battles they fought, and the small victories they celebrated along the way.

And no, they didn’t just wake up one day with a neon sign saying, “CONFIDENT” flashing over their heads. Confidence is built through experience and self-reflection.

• It’s about showing up, day in and day out, and doing the work.
• It’s about keeping promises to yourself, even the small ones—No scratch that.. ESPECIALLY the small ones.

Every time you say you’ll do something and then actually do it, you’re telling yourself, "I can trust me." And that trust? That’s the bedrock of self-esteem and confidence.

So, next time you think someone is just naturally confident, remember: they’ve probably failed more times than you’ve even tried. They’ve just become experts at failing forward, like this guy.

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Misconception 2: Confidence equals arrogance.

We often mistake confidence for arrogance (well.. at least I did). We assume that anyone who’s self-assured must also be full of themselves.

But arrogance isn’t confidence—it’s insecurity dressed up in a loud suit.

True confidence is quiet. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin without needing to prove anything to anyone. It’s about standing tall, not because you think you’re better than others, but because you’re not even playing that comparison game in the first place.

I used to think confident people were just arrogant d*ckheads, mistaking their boldness for cockiness.

But real confidence doesn’t need to shout. It’s the calm assurance that you’ve got what it takes, without needing to knock others down to feel good about yourself.

Think of arrogance as the loudmouth at a bar, desperate to tell everyone how great he is. Confidence is the person quietly enjoying their drink, content without needing anyone’s validation.

At its core, confidence is a quiet conversation with yourself, where you remind yourself of your worth and capabilities.

Now, let’s dive into how you can start building that kind of confidence today.

Building Self-Esteem: Self-esteem is the foundation of confidence. It’s built by:

• Doing what you say you'll do: Trust in yourself grows when you follow through on commitments. Each time you keep a promise to yourself, you reinforce your self-belief.
• Aligning actions with inner dialogue: Be honest with yourself and take actions that reflect your values. This alignment fosters a sense of integrity and inner peace.
• Reflecting on your relationship with yourself: Regular self-reflection helps identify areas for growth and improvement. Ask yourself if you treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you offer others.

Framework for Building Confidence:

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1. Focus on Small Progress:

Success often seems sudden, but it’s built on small, daily efforts. Breaking down big goals into manageable steps and celebrating each win can significantly boost confidence. Here's a step-by-step guide to setting and achieving small goals:

• Set Clear Goals: Start with a clear, specific goal. For example, instead of saying "I want to get fit," say "I will work out for 30 minutes, three times a week."
• Break It Down: Divide your goal into smaller, actionable steps. If your goal is to write a book, break it down into daily writing targets.
• Celebrate Wins: Each small achievement is a step towards your larger goal. Celebrate these wins to build momentum and reinforce your confidence.

2. Use Systems

Creating routines for health, writing, and sleep can make building habits easier and boost confidence. Systems simplify decision-making and ensure consistency. Here are some examples:

• Health Routines: Develop a consistent exercise regimen and a balanced diet. This not only improves physical health but also boosts mental clarity and energy levels.
• Writing Routines: Set aside dedicated time for writing each day. Consistency is key to honing your craft and building confidence in your abilities.
• Sleep Routines: Prioritize sleep by establishing a regular sleep schedule. Good sleep is crucial for overall well-being and confidence.

3. Compare to Your Past Self: Instead of comparing yourself to others, track your progress and focus on self-growth. Self-assessment and reflection are vital (They’re also the key to happiness):

• Self-Assessment: Regularly evaluate your progress. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this. Document your achievements, challenges, and areas for improvement.
• Reflection: Reflect on your journey and the progress you've made. This helps you appreciate your growth and stay motivated.

4. Take Care of Your Health

A healthy lifestyle plays a significant role in building confidence. Good nutrition, regular exercise, and spending time in nature can have profound effects:

• Diet: Eat a balanced diet rich in nutrients. Avoid processed foods and prioritize whole, natural foods.
• Exercise: Engage in regular physical activity. This could be anything from running to weightlifting to yoga. Find something you enjoy and stick with it.
• Nature: Spend time outdoors. Nature has a calming effect and can help reduce stress and improve mental health.

5. Create an "Evidence Folder"

Saving your best work and positive feedback in an evidence folder can serve as a powerful reminder of your achievements:

• Creating the Folder: Use a digital tool like Notion or a physical folder. Save examples of your best work, positive feedback, and significant achievements.
• Maintaining the Folder: Regularly update your folder with new accomplishments and feedback. Review it whenever you doubt yourself to remind yourself of your capabilities.

6. Embrace a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset, as coined by psychologist Carol Dweck, is the belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. This mindset fosters resilience and a love for learning:

• Cultivating a Growth Mindset: Challenge yourself to learn new skills and take on new challenges. View failures as opportunities for growth.
• Success Stories: Many successful individuals attribute their achievements to a growth mindset. Share stories of such individuals to illustrate the power of this mindset.

7. Believe in Yourself

Confidence comes from daily effort and recognizing your achievements. Techniques to build self-belief include:

• Daily Affirmations: Start your day with positive affirmations. Statements like "I am capable" or "I believe in my abilities" can set a positive tone for the day.
• Recognize Achievements: Take time to acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small. This builds a sense of achievement and reinforces self-belief.
• Celebrate Yourself: Regularly celebrate your progress and milestones. Treat yourself to something special when you achieve a goal

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Final Thoughts

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If you’re still with me, kudos to you.

Recap: What We’ve Learned

1. Confidence is Built, Not Born
2. Confidence ≠ Arrogance
3. Small Steps Lead to Big Wins
4. Systems Are Your Best Friend
5. Reflect and Compare Only to Your Past Self
6. Take Care of Your Health
7. Embrace a Growth Mindset
8. Believe in Yourself

Remember, building confidence isn’t about becoming a superhero overnight. It’s more like assembling IKEA furniture—frustrating at times, but immensely satisfying once you see the final product.

And just like with IKEA instructions, it’s okay to mess up a few times before you get it right.

And if, after all that effort, you’re still holding some pieces in your hand… well, I wish I could tell you there’s a secret trick, but…

Maybe it’s time to admit those extra parts were never really necessary.

So, here’s your call to action: Start today. Take one small step towards building your confidence. Maybe it’s setting a tiny goal or keeping a promise to yourself.

Maybe it’s starting that workout routine you’ve been putting off.

Whatever it is, do it.

And when you start to see progress, no matter how small, celebrate it.

You’ve freaking earned it.